Assimilation

After deciding to commit to going OTD, I found myself between a rock and, well, nothing. Because I had spent all of my life really involved in learning, all of my old friends were super-shtark bochurim that wanted to have nothing to do with me. It hurt, but I honestly don't know what I would have done if the tables were turned. While I was frum, I had no room in my life for people who weren't, unless of course, to be mekarev them; They were wasting their lives, and to spend time with them would be a waste of mine. So while I didn't blame them, I was left feeling rather alone.

One of the main hurdles I felt I had to overcome, was figuring out where I stood in society. People don't realize how hard it is to go OTD, from being so frum. I had always define myself with my religion, and now I felt like I didn't even know who I was. Looking around at the world for the first time, it seemed like everyone had a place, a niche that they fit into. I remember taking drivers ed classes and being so jealous of everyone. Even if they didn't know each other they could find something to talk about, but I had nothing to say. I hadn't read any books, gone to any movies or watched any tv. I didn't even know how to dress. All I owned were white shirts and black pants.

One day I went to the local mall and went a little crazy. I went into a bunch of stores, and asked for random things. Into the book store, asked for some best sellers. Into the music store and asked for whatever was popular. Into Eddie Bauer and literally bought the clothes off of a few mannequins. I came out looking like a preppy Ken doll, listening to madonna and janet jackson and reading some crappy mystery/romance novels. Something just didn't feel right. For so long I had been part of a very tight-knit group, centered around learning, and while it was hard being without it, just trying to fit in to some random group wasn't the right thing either. So, I spent time trying to figure out who it was I was, and who I wanted to be. Reading voraciously, listening to music all the time and always trying new things. Nine years later, I have a much better idea of who I am but it's still an ongoing process. I still like to find new things, always feeling like I may have missed out on something. But finding friends and people that I felt comfortable hanging out with, that's a whole separate story...